I am severely depressed right now. And it scares me that I am alone.
The Mending Room
"You are a little part of everyone, and everyone is a little part of you; our humanity depends on yours."
Anonymous
It’s been a while…
I should have been writing all along. Now I can hardly find the words or even a place to start. This month has been crazy; full of hopes and even more full of disappointments.
So you know that family tension I mentioned a few posts ago? You know, hair on toothbrushes and such? Well after sitting down with said family members, I allowed myself to believe that things might get better. MIGHT. You wouldn’t think that a little hope in something maybe happening would be so bad. But in this case, I just set myself up for a let down. They said they would try. TRY. Try to invite us to things, try to inlude, to accept, try to be civil, to be kind, to be decent.
And if there’s one thing in this world that gets to me it’s lying. I don’t mind if you tell me the truth…you know, something like: “We just don’t like you. We will always treat you badly and we know it. Don’t expect anything from us. We don’t want you to be a part of our baby’s life. Don’t bother calling yourself an aunt. We will never invite you to our parties or send you cards for your birthday. We just really don’t like you, we may even hate you.” See that I can handle. When you tell me this, you tell me that you know you are wrong and will continue to be so. I can live with that because I know what to expect. I will expect nothing of you.
But when you tell me: “Look, we don’t think you belong together. You don’t really deserve love. We don’t want you to be another divorce statistic. We know that we purposefully hurt you and that it was wrong. But maybe when we are done being bitter, we might try to make things better. Maybe we will include you more. Maybe we will act like the family that we are”, well see what you did? You gave me hope that maybe you would try to be a decent human being. I don’t expect you to be best friends with me, but I do have hope that you will make eye contact.
This is where I am. I am in the land of rejection and hurt. My own brother and sister in law refuse to try. Maybe by your standards or values I should not care so much. You might tell me to let it go or forget about it. You may think I am being unreasonable or dramatic. But you need to understand something…to me family is everything and everything is family. They are your home base, where you came from and a really good indicator of where you are going. To me, family comes first. If there’s a problem between members, you work it out because you love eachother. You may not like eachother, but damnit you love eachother. Because that’s what family does. Or really, that’s what family is supposed to do.
And you know what, maybe we have so many broken homes, fractured families and messed up kids because we have families who refuse to love…refuse to even try.
This is exactly what I needed to read... 
BIGGER
The next time you get to standing on your chair
at the head of the room
face changing shades
voice giving out
all ready to punch
and be punched
think about all the rotten hairstyles you’ve had
all the favorite shirts you’ve kept in rotation
well past their prime
all the…
I am fighting myself. My biggest war is the one inside me. Half of me loves the stability of my job and the comfort of knowing my finances are taken care of. Half of me hates this comfort. I feel blessed for having a job but yet I crave the freedom of abandoning it. I know that this is where I need to be right now but I want so badly to rationalize a way out of it. And it’s not because I hate my job, it’s not because I don’t like hard work. I think it’s simply because I do the same thing every single day, for 9 hours a day, 45 hours a week and I look forward only to the weekends. And when you’re living for the weekends, weeks pass pretty quickly. Before you know it, you’ve spent the last 9 months waiting for weekends. That is something like 1,755 hours of waiting. And with the way things are going, I will most likely have about or at least 2,250 more hours of waiting for weekends before I can even consider freedom a reasonable option. That is 2,250 more hours that I will fight myself. But at least I know that there is an end…somewhere there is an end.
I would do anything to sleep through this day. Today is my endoscopy and I have never ‘gone under’ before. I think I am more anxious about the IV than I am about the actual procedure. I just want to sleep through it all.
THE NEW FAMILY
Beyond marriage and adoption
are there any legal options for expanding your family?
If you wanted to take on a new brother?
Draft an uncle who is as of yet no proper relation?
Change you best friend forever to your permanent sister?
Could we go to the court house
fill out some certificates
pay twenty five dollars
and join our lives together in the eyes of the world?
Could we?
Would we?
Today is one of those days where I really don’t want to be stuffed up into an office building, sitting behind a desk. Today I am feeling inspired for the first time in a long time and I just want to create…to be set free.
in regards to your most recent post:
when J and i got married, his family was the EXACT same way. but, instead of actually acknowledging the tension they just harbored it in despite efforts made on our part. in fact, it took 2.5 yrs after we were married for them to acknowledge how badly they'd hurt me, J, and our relationship as a family because of their behavior. we didn't live with them, but our visits slowly dwindled from once a week to maybe once every few months...for my sake, for J's sake, and for the sake of our marriage.
i couldn't imagine the tension and pain you feel, and it may not ever go away or get easier. J's family may no longer be angry with him or me for getting married, but they never visit us, have only 3 times, and live an hour and half away. my family lives on the other side of the country and visited much more than them. not only does his family never visit, but J and i are blamed for not being "close enough" (distance wise).
i say all of that to say, marriage in the context of families that "don't approve" is so deeply painful. in your mind you envisioned a wonderland of union and community, but reality hit and people don't think their child's happiness is more important than their own feelings...sigh, it is a shame. BUT, guess what? as time goes by, you'll begin to feel more confident in your relationship, your marriage, your love, yourself, your husband, your understanding and idea of family, and you these family members will no longer bother you.
it gets better, it really does. <3 asked by simplifythislife
when J and i got married, his family was the EXACT same way. but, instead of actually acknowledging the tension they just harbored it in despite efforts made on our part. in fact, it took 2.5 yrs after we were married for them to acknowledge how badly they'd hurt me, J, and our relationship as a family because of their behavior. we didn't live with them, but our visits slowly dwindled from once a week to maybe once every few months...for my sake, for J's sake, and for the sake of our marriage.
i couldn't imagine the tension and pain you feel, and it may not ever go away or get easier. J's family may no longer be angry with him or me for getting married, but they never visit us, have only 3 times, and live an hour and half away. my family lives on the other side of the country and visited much more than them. not only does his family never visit, but J and i are blamed for not being "close enough" (distance wise).
i say all of that to say, marriage in the context of families that "don't approve" is so deeply painful. in your mind you envisioned a wonderland of union and community, but reality hit and people don't think their child's happiness is more important than their own feelings...sigh, it is a shame. BUT, guess what? as time goes by, you'll begin to feel more confident in your relationship, your marriage, your love, yourself, your husband, your understanding and idea of family, and you these family members will no longer bother you.
it gets better, it really does. <3 asked by simplifythislife
thank you so very much for this. i needed it so badly. in the midst of the pain it is so comforting to know that someone else has been there. it is so comforting to know that your feelings are justified and that other people have felt them too. and i just so appreciate you sharing this with me. it is perhaps the biggest blessing to feel confirmed in a time of such hurt. and i really thank you for opening up to me. you really have no idea how much it helped. <3
I am a stranger here…
I am really struggling to find home. Yes, my husband is my home. But the actual structure that we live in feels so foreign. It didn’t always feel this way. At first I was just so caught up in newlywed bliss that I hardly realized we were living with M’s parents and brother and sister in law. Sure I realized they were there but it hardly bothered me. But little by little I started to feel the tension. Every day there was a different set of eyes focused directly on us. Then it progressed to an even more painful state in which certain family members made physical signs a way of expressing their dislike of our presence. I am talking ‘hair on our toothbrushes’ kind of signs. I really tried to ignore it. I really thought that by being kind regardless of how they treated us, that I could really fix it. That is, until a few days ago when we all decided to sit down and talk about the tension. It was then that I was informed that these certain family members harbored such animosity and bitterness not because I really “did anything in particular” but rather that they did not think M and I should have gotten married when we did. I was “too young”, I “should have finished college first”. They couldn’t understand “why M would love me”. And I couldn’t understand and still can’t understand who they think they are. A year ago, M’s relative came to him and expressed these same feelings. And a year ago, M stood his ground and said that I was what made him happy, that I was the only one worthy of his love and commitment. It was then and there that these issues should have been silenced. It was then and there that M’s relative should have accepted M’s desires even if they were not his own. But this world is not the way it should be. And now here I sit, knowing that I really wasn’t wanted in this house or even in this family (at least by half the family). And I don’t know where to go from here. I am feeling very lost and deeply hurt. When I go home from work every day I know that the doors I walk through are not doors of love and acceptence. I go home every day, knowing I am not wanted there. And that’s not really a home is it?
Nothing with my health is resolved. My next appointment is next Friday, which is the soonest they could fit me in. To be honest, I am a little on edge and super uneasy. I don’t feel good about it. But I am trying to believe that something will work out, that something good will come of all this. Life is really fragile but God is really not.
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